Im at extreme disadvantages in life, what am i gonna do?

present situation :

I live in a one bedroom flat in the north of england, on disability benefits, I own nothing except an old computer - got no carpets on my floor, a shabby bed etc. i suffer with borderline
personality disorder and post traumatic stress - I'm waiting to hear if I will get group therapy; my main problems are severe low self worth , rage and aggression and agoraphobia and anxiety, I have social problems forming friendships or relationships with people.

about my history:

I've had a severe hard life, suffered severe abuse, bullying, victimization, bad times, assaults, head injuries, homelessness, time in a psychiatric hospital, over a time span 0f 16 years, since the age of 16.
I've missed out on most things in life people take for granted: forming any relationships with anyone. never been employed, spent all my life on disability, never got an education, never got any qualifications.

I have a minor criminal record for an assault and carrying a knife when i lived in a rough neighborhood, and i was being targeted by local thugs.

Obviously have a psychiatric record to.

I used to have outbursts of rage years ago in public places, where id lose control and lash out at people, not something i planned but i would get a build up of paranoia and pressure in my head whilst outside then explode.

But I don't do that anymore, I've managed my rage for years without therapy. I also unfortunately haven't had consistent therapy over the years, the system failed me so I haven't had the help i needed.

what I want for my future:

I'm now 30 and would like to achieve a normal happy life, to have friends that i choose, a good paying job in computers, a secure life and most importantly; I want to emigrate from the united kingdom to somewhere hot, somewhere quiet and coastal by the sea, to find a loving senorita or a loving, partner to share my life with.

Thats it.

Most people when I talk about these desired ambitions put them down, or tell me their beyond my reach and patronizingly say "I have to be realistic"' "everybody wants those things but not everybody gets them".

That I'll find it "impossible" in my situation at my disadvantages.

It's mainly brits who keep on telling me that - other people from elsewhere usually have a more optimistic view towards me.

Its' like theres a conspiracy where the brits are trying to keep me here against my will (paranoia keeps creeping in).

All i know is I desperately want to achieve those goals and leave the uk.

Do I have any chance?

I'm not trying to be funny but i would like serious answers please as I'm really depressed over this right now.

my situation in every sense including geographically , is not where i want to be.

I feel really depressed because i worry ill be trapped here FOREVER or it will take to long to be able to work to get out of the situation

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May 04, 2009
Dear Extreme
by: Shah

The one thing I noticed first about your post was the physical description of where you carpeting. My answer is: you have a place to live, that's great! You've been on disability for most of your life...that's great, you've had money flowing towards you. And, the best thing of all is that you have a DREAM. Within that dream there is Hope. I think that is where you have to start, Mr. Dreamer. Psychological disorders can be huge bumps in the road or it can be huge opportunities for growth. I met a man that lectured that his disorder, bipolar 1, with all it's chaos and emotional upheaval, was actually his greatest advantages. I have bipolar (and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Anxiety), and I immediately took to his message. He is right. Having a disorder can be a plus when you can learn to control it, or if not control it, master yourself within it without worrying about others understanding of it. Mastering yourself is the key. I made a tiny goal two years ago. To have the sink clean at the end of the day. I succeeded 98% of the time and the 2% of the time was an opportunity to learn to be lighter on myself for not reaching 100%. Because, with a disorder, when we make accomplishments, we forget to celebrate them. Sometimes, we even forget to acknowledge some of the big ones. I saturated my mind and soul with GRATITUDE during meditation. Doing so, opened my consciousness to my other accomplishments. I started to BUILD ON those ACCOMPLISHMENTS. Then, everyday I picked up another reason to be grateful. Feeling grateful propelled me further. Mr. Dreamer, money flows to you already. In whatever way it was, it flows. (Many people apply for aid and are denied.) My greatest blessing was getting the right medication for my disorders, cognitive behavioral therapy (talk therapy), EMDR, and Bipolar Support Groups. I had a dream about healing, I believed that I could heal, and plop, so many resources that had never been available before opened up. There are books written on just about any subject dealing with all disorders. The library is a hidden jewel. Good books to start with are Mind over Mood by Daniel Greenberger, and Feeling Good by David Burns. Studying Zen has also helped me and I give a huge thanks to EMDR which is the answer to PTSD. Afterward, getting in touch with other people at your level of healing gives you practice at being in touch with where you are at in your healing process. Also, it's good practice in just socializing on whatever level you can. It took me years to delve into my disorder because I believed the more I focused on it the worse I would get. Well, I'm getting better and better and you can, too. Be calm, be still, and have peace....Shah

Sep 03, 2008
Hi there, good question
by: Cody

Hi There and thank you for your question,

You know what? good on you for wanting more out of life, no reason you can't have it. What you you are describing is a long journey, but you can succeed.

First step is to let go of your past. I personally would make every effort to never speak or write about those things again, that person has gone, don't identify with that person and don't talk about him. Identify with who you are becoming not what you no longer are.

Another thing that will help very quickly is asking better questions. This will change your focus and get you much better results, for example ask questions such as:

"how do I develop character?"
"how do I build confidence and self esteem?"
"How can I get the education I need?"
"how can I give more to society and become a productive and valued member?"
"what is my next step?"
"How can I become the man that the type of woman I want will love?"

Do you see it's a complete change of focus which will bring completely different results.

The only thing your past gives you is an excuse and this will get you nothing. it's about starting again today and moving forward. Let go of what's happened and focus on what you want to happen.

Best of luck

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