Depressed, Homosexual, Alone, No control on anger, Don't wanna live...
Well, first of all, i'm 18 years old. Only one daughter of my parents and I have two elder brothers, and my religion is Islam. I'm living in a Muslim country.
I've been depressed since last 3-4 years. My family is pretty strict. But still I respect them a lot and I love my mom a lot! They often restrict me from doing most of the things and doesn't allow me to go out with friends always giving me an excuse that it's not safe to go out. I don't even have any good friends, whenever I try to get along with them, I start to feel left behind. I have a problem trusting people. I expect too much from them like, they'll never leave me and will always support, and be there for me whenever I need them, but in the end people just don't meet my expectations. About my family and relatives, well we don't have that good relations with our relatives and like that I don't even have any close cousins to enjoy with. My dad is always busy with his work and hardly pay attention in the house. He's always worried about his looks and his career, due to that my mom is also frustrated and annoyed most of the time because of him. There is always a dull atmosphere in the house. I tried to change my life by adopting some activities so that I don't feel alone inside the house and like that I started surfing on websites to play games and make online friends. I managed to make few good friends and started learning new languages. After sometime I even started writing a novel and now i'm planning to publish it. My father doesn't allow me to make friends on internet too, he thinks i'll get stuck with some bad people and will start watching porn or that shit. I don't even give a damn to that. I'm not interested in such perverted things. I don't get that happiness in the house that's why I started to talk with friendly people on internet but he doesn't trust me and because of that I decided to keep this as a secret from him. Though my mother and brother knows about my online friends. I tell my mother about all of my friends. All these restrictions and narrow mindedness is creating stress and fall sick again and again. I'm losing my hair day by day and no doctor has got any solution for that. I admit that my parents has done a lot for my luxury but I think that's not all what I need. They don't understand me. Whenever I feel extremely depressed and I feel like talking about it with someone in front of me, I try to talk about it with my mom but she just asks me to leave and thinks of my problems as annoying and unnecessary. She sometimes even wishes she had a son instead of having me. Because she thinks i'm creating more troubles and stress for her. She is also caged like me and can't help me. But it hurts me and I feel like not even my mother wants to listen to me.
Recently two months back, I made a new friend, a girl, who is 6 years older than me. She lives in other country, very far
from me and we haven't met eachother, just talked online,I told her about my problems, she comforted and I felt happy with her. Because of her I got motivated and even started goin' back to college. I don't know how, I got attracted by her so much that I started to like her. I knew this fact already that she was a lesbian. I also felt that she started to like me and we started talking more often. Then accidently I fell in love with her, forgetting that she's also a girl, we talked about it and ended up confessing our love to eachother. I felt so happy cause with her I don't feel depressed at all. But later on when I realized what I did, It made me hate myself and frustrated me more. Homosexuality is prohibited in my religion and I think if my parents are going to know about this, they'll beat me a lot. About my friend, she already told her parents and their reaction was calm towards their daughter, they accepted her decision and still love her. It made me more stressed cause I think i'm lying to my parents. My love for her is so strong that even a single day if I don't talk with her, I cry to sleep and feel sick. I tried to comfort myself by saying that, i'm not doing wrong because, love is just a feeling, it's not hurting anyone, people outside in the world are doin' even more worse sins, they are killing eachother and hurting innocent people. I'm just loving a girl with a pure heart. When I told her about what i'm goin' through, she told me to lean on her because she is stronger than me and will protect me. I felt happy to hear those words. Though there is lot of pain in this relationship but for now I just want to feel happy with her. I'll have an arranged marraige after few years and till then I have decided to talk with her and love her. Our love is really simple and we just talk about common things, instead of talking about dirty things. Now since few weeks the internet connection of my room is having trouble, it disconnects a lot and we are not able to chat these days. Which is making me more depressed. I told my mom about this to get it fixed, but then again she didn't listen to me and told me that, I only come to her with a complain and this is what annoys her. Whenever I listen to those words from her I feel like hell and it increases my stress. I'm goin' crazy by all this going around me. I'm so confused that sometimes I even feel like commiting sucide, but i'm aware that sucide is a big sin and i'll end up in hell which stops me from doing it. I love my religion a lot and I pray a lot. Everyday I beg for forgiveness, asking God to forgive me if i'm the one who's going wrong. I hope God understands me. I'm totatly confused, it's affecting my studies, I'm a good student and I manage to get good grades even along with the depression but it makes me fall sick for using so much extra effort. Please help me!
Thanks for reading!