It is not right or realistic to hope to change another in a relationships. What we must do is change ourselves. Develop a new perspective and the relationship will take on new meaning, here’s how.
The key to having successful relationships is understanding that another person's behavior is rarely, if ever, about us. It is a bout them, it is about what they want and what they need. The same is true of your behavior.
This may not be immediately obvious, but dig a little deeper into our motivation and we will see that we also are simply trying to meet our own needs.
This is not as cold as it sounds at first inspection but it is true. There is true love, romance and every other good thing, but underlying it all is the basic need to meet needs.
Having said this, the next point we must understand is that we all have the same basic needs. We just go about meeting them in different ways. We need to give and receive love, we need to experience growth, we must feel worth while, we need to contribute, amongst other things.
These emotional needs are the same and must be met in the same way that all humans have the same physical needs. We must eat, we must be watered, we must sleep. The differences arise not in the need, but how the need is met.
Some meet the need for food with pasta or rice, whilst another may detest rice and opt for potato or meat. The same need is being addressed, the only difference is the method. What delights one, repulses another. So is one right and one wrong? Of course not. The method you prefer will depend on upbringing, culture and experience, all kinds of different factors. The need for all however is the same. To eat!
View your relationships in this way. We are all just trying to get our needs met. When we can understand this, then we see that all it boils down to is understanding the method the other person is using.
For example, if an individual grew up in a household were communication was volatile and loud, they probably associate volatility with love. They will mix the two. If another however grew up in a household were raising a voice meant anger or some other negative emotion, then they are not going to have made the connection between volatility and love. This is a bad combination of people if they don’t understand each other.
Do you see? One may be raising his or her voice thinking they are demonstrating love, whilst the other interprets that as anger or anything but love. Two people seeking the same need have simply gone about it in two different way and all that has happened is they don’t understand each other. A little understanding could save that relationship.
Hopefully this is clear. Most of our communication comes from a subconscious level. Unless we become very self aware we will never master this. We need to uncover our association of behavior and need.
So what do we do? Well here are a few tips.
Never question another persons intentions Question the results, question the methods, but never question the intention. You simply cannot know. Nothing will end a relationship faster than questioning who somebody is, and generally, there’s no second chance on this one. It will end your relationship quickly.
Understand it’s not about you. It really isn’t, don’t take anything personally. Others are simply trying to meet their own need, just as you are trying to meet yours. It’s about them, about what they need. If things are not great, do not take that responsibility upon yourself. It’s not your fault.
Look for the different meaning If somebody is upsetting you, ask yourself, what other meaning could this have? Generally if somebody is upsetting you it is because they are not behaving how you would like them to. This is your problem, not theirs. We have no right to expect an individual to behave in anyway, unless they have specifically agreed in advance. Others are free to behave as they choose.
See that they are only trying to meet their needs Don’t be resentful of this, be sympathetic and understanding. Generally anybody in your life that has the power to upset you, probably would not do so deliberately. If somebody upsets you, it’s probably a misunderstanding. Becoming angry will only aggravate the situation. Ask some questions, try and discover what was actually meant. Jump to the conclusion that this is probably just a misunderstanding, don’t think the worst without first finding out all the facts.
Ok, so a few tips to get going with. As always, seek as much info on this subject as you possibly can, the time spent will be a great investment.
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