I alienate people

by Emily
(Singapore)

Where do i start? I'm the eldest in my family and from young, i was always the 'good girl', the one who always listened to whatever her parents wanted her to do and did not argue. I was never rebellious. From elementary school, my mother never let me call my friends or hang out with them. I never questioned it. Instead, I would write letters to them and pass to them in class or call them through payphone. Or, just hang out with them in school. I only hanged out with friends in the school all my life. Also,being brought up in a violent and emotionally-heated family environment, I learned to really withdraw into myself and not express my emotions to others. And I also couldn't handle fall outs with bitchy friends, adding to my introvertedness and low self-esteem. Obviously, all these affected the way i interact with people at present. I can get along with those easy-going ones, that was never a problem. But more and more, I find I can't make friends easily (with almost anyone I meet) or communicate with them, especially when i'm in a group (i'm always the quiet one in the corner). I'm not young anymore, and I'm going to graduate from college. I feel that I really need to work on this problem, as it gets me down a lot. Even my family (most days, i get along testily ok with them. i have a love-hate relationship with my my parents) constantly mocks and insinuates to me about this problem. I mean, if my own family can't support me, where else can I turn to you know?